God, I Hate Shakespeare
This song occurs after Nick has been provoked by talk of Shakespeare. He goes on a full-on rant about why he hates Shakespeare.
[Chorus 1: NICK (Spoken: NIGEL)] Oh, God, I hate Shakespeare That's right, I said it (No!) I do, I hate Shakespeare (Why?) I just don't get it How a mediocre actor From a measly little town Is suddenly the brightest jewel In England's royal crown
[Chorus 2: NICK] Oh, God, I hate Shakespeare His plays are wordy, but Oh, no, the great Shakespeare That little turd, he has no Sense about the audience He makes them feel so dumb The ******* doesn't care that my Poor a** is getting numb
[Post-Chorus 1: MALE ENSEMBLE (NICK)] How can you say that? How can you say that? (It's easy, I can say it cause it's absolutely true) Don't be a ******, the man is a genius (His genius is he's fooling all of you)
[Bridge: NIGEL (Spoken: NICK)] But he's brilliant, what majesty flows from his pen His poetry soars like a sweet violin God's own inspiration, like lightning doth strike him And he captures my soul (Aw, jeez, you sound just like him!)
[Spoken: NIGEL] Really? Thanks!
[Chorus 3: NICK (NIGEL)] You should hate Shakespeare (Well, I don't, I try to) (Emulate Shakespeare) Well, there's your problem, you're So blinded by The Bard, who's Such a pompous little man (Why is it a problem to) (Admit that I'm a fan?) Cause he's a hack with a knack For stealing anything he can
[Post-Chorus 2: MALE ENSEMBLE (NICK)] How can you say that? How can you say that? The man really knows how to write a b****in' play You wish you could pen one, we wish we were in one (I just wish that he would go away)
Well, that's not gonna happen because everybody I know says that he is the greatest writer that England has ever known
[Chorus 4: NICK]
And that's another thing
I hate about Shakespeare
Is all that twits who
Bloviate about Shakespeare
And how they prattle on
About his great accomplishments
And once they start the gushing
There's no stopping them and then it's
[Chorus 5: NICK]
And he walks in it's
He's holding court and they say
"Will, you're such a genius and
Your writing is divine
'A rose by any other name'
Is such a clever line"
And they're all "ooh" and he's all "stop"
And they're all "yay" and I'm all "*retch*!"
And I'm really getting sick of it
And oh, oh, oh Chorus 6: NICK (MALE ENSEMBLE)]
Oh, I hate Shakespeare
(I think by now, we sort of)
(Know you hate Shakespeare)
The way he feigns humility
When all he does is gloat
The way he wears that silly, frilly
Collar 'round his throat
[Outro: NICK (MALE ENSEMBLE)]
The poster child for why
No one should ever procreate
Let me make a shorter list
And I will give it to you straight
Every little thing about Shakespeare
Is what I hate (Hates, he hates)
(He clearly surely, really, truly)